No. You don't have to say a single dollar figure.
I'm starting with the answer because this question is one of the common reasons families skip the conversation. It's easy to picture standing up after dinner and reading a balance out loud, and to put it off for another year.
A family meeting is about structure, not amounts. Where things are. Who to call. Who does what. None of that needs a number.
Why do families skip the family meeting?
One of the common reasons families skip it is a fair one: "It's none of their business what I have."
You can keep that position and still have the meeting. Nobody at the table needs your balance. What your kids need is the map. If you treat it as the number or nothing, nothing can win, and the family goes without the map.
If it's not the number, what do your kids need to know?
Our family meeting guide has a question that settles this quickly. Ask your spouse tonight:
"If you had to find my spare key tonight, where would you look?"
It's a harder question than it sounds. In a lot of marriages, one spouse handles all of it and the other has never actually seen it. That gap is the one the family meeting exists to close. If it's there between the two of you, it's probably wider for your kids.
So the list for the meeting is short:
- Where things are. The papers, the keys, and who has the combination.
- Who to call. Who the first calls go to.
- Who does what. So nobody has to guess later.
What do you say first?
Open with why. The guide gives you the words:
"This has been on our minds. We've been getting our things in order, and we want to share what we've found and what we still need your help with. We wanted to do it while we're all together."
Look at what those words do. You aren't making an announcement. You're asking for help, and that's a much easier way to start.
Then show them where everything is. One box in one place is easiest. Wherever yours are, show them. Walk your kids to the desk, open the drawer, and point. You're showing them where a folder lives. You don't have to open it.
Then start with the conversation that feels easiest. You don't have to cover everything at once.
How long does a family meeting take?
It doesn't have to be a two hour meeting. It can be twenty minutes after the meal, before everyone heads home.
Pick the moment. Not during the holiday meal. After dinner, or the next morning over coffee. This year Thanksgiving is Thursday, November 26, and for most families it's the one day of the year when everyone who would need to be part of this conversation is already in the same house. I walked through the whole meeting, step by step, in Could Thanksgiving be your family meeting?
What if one of your kids asks for the number anyway?
They might. It's tempting to open the meeting with a rule: no numbers today. I'd skip the rule. Say "no numbers" first and it can sound like there's a secret, and then the number is all anyone thinks about.
The guide has words for a hard moment. They're written for the family member who says, "I don't want to talk about this," and you can borrow them when that family member is you:
"Then let me just show you where everything is. That's enough for today."
That answer doesn't shut anyone out. It gives them somewhere to go. And if someone gets upset, the guide has words for that too: "Let's take a break. We don't have to settle this today."
Is a family meeting legal work?
No. An attorney drafts the documents. The family meeting makes sure your family knows they exist and that they work. It isn't a sales meeting, either. Nobody signs anything.
What can you do tonight?
Start small. Show each other where the spare keys are. Yours and your spouse's. If one of you has never had the tour of the drawer where the papers live, do that too.
That's the plan Eddie and Betty land on in today's episode of the podcast. They're getting ready for their own family meeting this Thanksgiving, and Eddie starts the morning trying to write a number at the top of an index card. By the end, a different line goes on the card: spare keys. In his words, their daughter doesn't need the number. She needs the index.
Where can you get the family meeting guide?
Everyone in the room at this month's Fiscal Fridays goes home with it. Fiscal Fridays is my dad's live monthly show at the American Retirement Advisors studio in Scottsdale. It's an educational talk show, and this month's theme is the family meeting.
It's Friday, November 20. Doors open at 10:00 AM Arizona time for coffee, and the show starts at 10:30 AM Arizona time. There's no cost. You can save a seat on the Fiscal Fridays page.
Your kids don't need the number. They need to know where things are, and you can show them that in twenty minutes.
For education only. Not legal or tax advice.
Disclaimer: The information in this article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute tax, legal, or investment advice. Tax laws change frequently, and individual circumstances vary. American Retirement Advisors does not provide tax or legal services. Before making any tax-related decisions, consult a qualified CPA, tax attorney, or financial planner who can evaluate your specific situation.