Everyone. Invite everyone, even the one who lives far away. They can join by video.
That's how our family meeting guide puts it, on the page for getting ready. The sentence that follows it is the reason: leaving someone out is a common way these meetings go wrong.
What if one of your kids lives far away?
Invite them anyway. The guide doesn't make an exception for distance. It names it: "even the one who lives far away."
It's easy to skip that invitation for kind reasons. They're busy. The flight is long. You don't want them to feel they have to buy plane tickets for Thanksgiving week. So the plan becomes: if they make it home, they're in, and if they don't, we'll fill them in afterward.
The trouble is that planning to fill them in afterward, instead of inviting them, is leaving them out, even when you mean well.
Why isn't telling them afterward enough?
Because a family meeting is a conversation. It covers where things are kept, who the first calls go to, and what you want. The person in the room can ask you questions as you go. You can't ask a summary.
It also looks different from their side. If you never ask, you've made their decision for them, and what they may hear is that the meeting didn't need them.
Does joining by video count?
In the guide, yes. The getting-ready page has a short list titled "Who we're inviting." Each name gets a line, and next to each line are two boxes: "In person" and "By video." They sit side by side.
The page for after the meeting says the same thing a second way. It has a blank for "Who came," and right under it a blank for "Who joined by video." Nothing in the guide says one box counts more than the other.
The guide also says to do it while everyone is together. I read that, with a "By video" box on the list, as including the person on the screen: the same day and the same conversation. That reading is mine. The guide doesn't spell it out.
How do you invite someone without pressuring them?
The guide doesn't say. It doesn't tell you whether to call or text, and it doesn't give words for the invitation. That part is your family's to work out.
Here is how Eddie and Betty, the hosts of our podcast, work it out in the episode that goes with this article. They're getting ready for their own family meeting this Thanksgiving. Eddie fills in the "Who we're inviting" list and checks "In person" next to every name. Betty counts the names, and their son isn't on it. He lives a flight away and hasn't said whether he can get home this year.
Eddie thinks not asking is the kind thing. Betty thinks not asking decides for him. Where they land: tonight they'll call him, together, and invite him both ways at once, a seat or a screen, his pick, with no wrong answer. Eddie writes his name on the list and leaves both boxes empty, because that part is their son's to check.
In Eddie's words: leaving him off the list is us deciding for him. Inviting him lets him decide.
What do you say when you call?
The guide has opening words for the meeting itself:
"This has been on our minds. We've been getting our things in order, and we want to share what we've found and what we still need your help with. We wanted to do it while we're all together."
Those words are written for the start of the meeting. Betty's idea in the episode is that they'd work on the phone, too. That's her idea, not the guide's, but "this has been on our minds" is an honest way to begin.
What can you do tonight?
Start small. Write down who you're inviting, in pencil. If someone is missing because they live far away, add their name. Then call them tonight and offer both: a seat or a screen.
Leave the boxes next to their name empty until they answer.
More questions about the family meeting: Do you have to tell your kids how much you have? and Do you need to put one of your kids in charge?
Where can you get the family meeting guide?
Everyone in the room at this month's Fiscal Fridays goes home with it. Fiscal Fridays is my dad's live monthly show at the American Retirement Advisors studio in Scottsdale. It's an educational talk show, and this month's theme is the family meeting.
It's Friday, November 20, six days before Thanksgiving. Doors open at 10:00 AM Arizona time for coffee, and the show starts at 10:30 AM Arizona time. There's no cost. You can save a seat on the Fiscal Fridays page.
For education only. Not legal or tax advice.
Disclaimer: The information in this article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute tax, legal, or investment advice. Tax laws change frequently, and individual circumstances vary. American Retirement Advisors does not provide tax or legal services. Before making any tax-related decisions, consult a qualified CPA, tax attorney, or financial planner who can evaluate your specific situation.