Not everything. You don't have to cover everything at once.
That line is in our family meeting guide, on the page for getting ready. The guide also has a short list for the meeting itself, titled "If you only talk about three things."
What are the three things?
Here they are, in the guide's words:
- Where everything is, and who has the key or combination.
- Your steward says yes.
- Where your phone passcodes are written down.
The list sits on the same page as the guide's five steps for the meeting. The title starts with "if" for a reason. It doesn't say these are the only three things that matter. I read it this way: if three is all you get to, these are the three.
Why three, when there's so much more to say?
There is more. I counted the conversations in the guide, and there are fifteen, spread over four pages. They include "The photos and the stories," "The house" and "The pets."
The guide doesn't ask you to get through all fifteen in one sitting, and it doesn't rank them. On the getting-ready page it says: "You don't have to cover everything at once. Start one conversation, and let it go where it goes." In the steps for the meeting, it says: "Start with the conversation that feels easiest."
I read the fifteen as a list to pick from. The guide doesn't call them that. It gives you the fifteen, the list of three, and the advice to start with the easiest one.
What does "where everything is" mean?
It's the second of the guide's five steps: show them where everything is. The papers, the keys, and who has the combination. One box in one place is easiest. Wherever yours are, show them.
You're showing your kids where things live. Nobody has to open a folder or read a balance. I wrote about that in Do you have to tell your kids how much you have?
What does "your steward says yes" mean?
The steward is the one person who will step in and coordinate for the family. The guide asks you to name that person and a backup, and then to ask out loud: "Will you do it?"
The item on the list isn't "your steward is named." It's "your steward says yes." A name on a line is your decision, and the yes has to come from them. There's more on that in Do you need to put one of your kids in charge?
Why are phone passcodes on the list?
The guide doesn't give a reason on that list. In its conversation about the phones, the note says: write the passcodes down and show where they are kept.
It doesn't name an app or a place to keep them. At the meeting, you show where the passcodes are kept.
What about everything you don't get to?
The guide plans for a next meeting. The page for after the meeting says: "Set the next one: once a year, and after any big change." It has a blank for "Our next meeting," and the last of the five steps is to agree on what happens next before anyone leaves.
So the first meeting isn't the only one. What you skip this year has a place to go.
Won't calling a family meeting worry your kids?
It can. A grown child who hears "family meeting" from their parents often wonders if something is wrong and nobody is saying it.
That worry is common. It's also a common reason parents never start this conversation: they don't want to worry their kids for no reason.
The guide doesn't have words for reassuring a worried son or daughter. It does give the reason for the meeting in its opening words: "We've been getting our things in order."
What do you tell your kids the meeting is about?
The guide has words for opening the meeting itself. It doesn't have words for someone who asks ahead of time. That part is your family's to work out.
Here is how Eddie and Betty, the hosts of our podcast, work it out in the episode that goes with this article. They're getting ready for their own family meeting this Thanksgiving. Last night they called their son, who lives a flight away, and invited him: a seat or a screen. Before Betty finished her first sentence, he asked if everyone was okay. Everyone is fine, and they told him so. He said he's in. Then he asked what they'd be talking about, and Eddie didn't have an answer.
So Eddie stayed up and made an agenda: all fifteen conversations, numbered. This morning their son is looking at flights, and Betty sees why. He's worried.
Eddie's first idea is to call back and say again that nothing is wrong, or to send the whole agenda so their son can see for himself. Betty's answer: "nothing's wrong" is what parents say either way, and fifteen numbered topics from your parents looks like something is wrong. The meeting wasn't what worried him. He was worried because he didn't know what it was about.
What settles it is the short list. Where everything is, who the steward is, and where the passcodes are. It's small and ordinary, and that tells a grown kid more than "everyone's fine" does. In Eddie's words: telling him nothing's wrong doesn't settle him. Telling him what it's about does.
Their other idea, and it's theirs, not the guide's: the best time for this talk is when nothing is wrong, and you can say so in the invitation. The long agenda goes in the desk drawer for next time.
What can you do tonight?
Start small. Put the three things on a card, in pencil. Next to each one, note where you stand. Does your family know where everything is? Do you know who you'd ask to be your steward? Are your passcodes on paper somewhere?
If someone in your family asks what the meeting is about, you could borrow Eddie and Betty's answer: three things.
More questions about the family meeting: Who should be at your family meeting? and Could Thanksgiving be your family meeting?
Where can you get the family meeting guide?
Everyone in the room at this month's Fiscal Fridays goes home with it. Fiscal Fridays is my dad's live monthly show at the American Retirement Advisors studio in Scottsdale. It's an educational talk show, and this month's theme is the family meeting.
It's Friday, November 20, six days before Thanksgiving. Doors open at 10:00 AM Arizona time for coffee, and the show starts at 10:30 AM Arizona time. There's no cost. You can save a seat on the Fiscal Fridays page.
For education only. Not legal or tax advice.
Disclaimer: The information in this article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute tax, legal, or investment advice. Tax laws change frequently, and individual circumstances vary. American Retirement Advisors does not provide tax or legal services. Before making any tax-related decisions, consult a qualified CPA, tax attorney, or financial planner who can evaluate your specific situation.